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Dirty Room (Part
I)
So it begins in
this room
Where my life was
thrown astray
The death of
innocence
Nothing will ever
be the same
Caught in the
slide, caught in a prison
Nowhere to hide,
legs squeezed tight
And he shows me
Just what little
girls are for
And I'm not here
anymore
And even a child of
five can see
There is something
wrong with this
Taking what I have
to give
As I'm taking him
in
Caught in the
slide, caught in a prison
Nowhere to hide,
legs squeezed tight
And he shows me
Just what little
girls are for
And I'm not here
anymore
In My Shell
I am a child of
eight
Reborn in the fires
Hidden scars of
pain
Thoughts are out of
mind
But every time they
surface
A shock to the
system
Sensation overload
As I become undone
In my shell
Free from pain
Buffer me
Washing me
In my shell
I will find
My own hell
In my mind
Words are empty
They can't convey
Thoughts that need
expressing
So much left unsaid
Acting out
Killing time
Slipping up
Losing my mind
In my shell
Free from pain
Buffer me
Washing me
In my shell
I will find
My own hell
In my mind
I'm bursting at the
seams
It's not what it
seems
I'm just a child
with a secret
I've seen too much
for my eyes
I can't express
what's on my mind
I've lost the will
to even try
Flashbacks in my
mind
I’m fighting
an uphill climb
I've lost my will
to roll the stone
Inviting in the
demons
To cover up this
feeling
And let my world
just go to hell
If you could only
see the real me
You'd probably turn
in disgust
If you only knew my
shame
I'd rightly earn
your distrust
To think I could
have laid with him
It's such a haze of
memories
I finally see
I wouldn't blame
you at all
If you saw me as a
monster
In my shell
Free from pain
Buffer me
Washing me
In my shell
I will find
My own hell
In my mind
Mommy doesn't
understand
But Daddy's there
for me
Washing over
Soul Deceiver
Caressing the
bottle
And burning the
dragon
With no one around
It was instant
comfort
Sneaking into the
night
The darker side of
life
Hanging with all
the lowlife's
They all
Took a part of me
Took a part of me
Soul Deceiver, True
believer
I can keep in all
the pain
Suffocate me,
violate me
I can keep in all
the pain
The demons calling
and I'll come crawling
To a hell that I
create
The sun is setting,
the light is fading
In the hell that I
create
Mommy dropped the
hammer
But she had lost
control
In a blink of an
eye
The streets were my
home
At the age of
fourteen
When he forced
himself on me
With guilt and
promises
They all
Took a part of me
Took a part of me
Oceans Of
Insolence
Visions of grandeur
infecting their minds
Clouding their
views of humanity
Ignorance consumes
one's intelligence
Unforgivable beyond
any degree
Swimming in an ocean
of turbulent emotion
Use me up, spit me
out
Pain is all I see
Encapsulating me
Insolence around me
Chaos all around me
And you would hide
behind your false sense of control
You tell yourself
you give it up on your own terms
Living out of all
the pain felt in the past
If only you could
only see to learn from your mistakes
Powdered highs and
inhaled lines
Lie beside the
demons of my mind
And sex was always
given to make sure they would love you
Freely offering
yourself that was given and not taken
Breaking the body
Breaking the mind
Breaking the girl
Tearing the woman
Broken, Unclean,
Dirty, Empty
Crying, Love me,
Hurt me, Leave me
Promiscuity, a
symptom of past
Human repository
for men to leave their scent
Sparked from a
tragedy, a miracle in the make
Motherly remedy, a
new life is growing
Miracle
Once again the tide
rolled in today
Thought I'd sink
but the waters held me firm
Must have come from
a higher source above
But I never had
believed at all
I will …
Don't know where
the waves will take me
I’m just a
pawn out on the whim of the moon
Lunar gravitations
peaking
All alone,
I’m just a castaway, until you
By my side
August 31st just
came and you were smiling
By my side
And I knew what
love could be when you were smiling
By my side
A child's fragile
mind and innocence
There was no other
name for him
"Miracle"
smiling by my side
Now I have some
understanding
Through the chaos
in my world
Miracle will be my
anchor
In this ocean of
insolence
In one moment, in
one breath
Innocence beyond
compare
Through his eyes,
I‘m living life
For the first time
in my life
There is a
difference between living and existence
Born Again
Unaware I was lost
Until the moment I
was found
A soul mate who can
share my life
Under the
"House of God"
It can never be the
same
Now that I've found
you
A missing part of
my life
When I’m
without you
The moment you tell
me I'm worth it
Can brighten the
darkest skies
Only Love
Time goes by and
here I sit
Back to the old
struggle
I thought I'd found
a new haven
But addiction is so
convincing
Only Love can save
me
Only Love can set
me free
I've been searching
for a love
That can make me
feel complete
Flying high while
soul deceiving
You turn your back
and nothing's left
It's wonderful what
love can do
Scraping the tracks
that mark you
Only Love can save
me
Only Love can set
me free
I've been searching
for a love
That can make me
feel complete
It's strange how
things that matter
Can blow away like
the breeze
I’m dying of
thirst in the desert
You'll take what's
at arm's reach
When he lays his
hands on me
I can justify the
cause
All will be
forgiven
When he testifies
his love
I have functioned
in a haze
For the best of my
life
And now it's easy
for me to see
What this life has
done for me
I’m reaching
to find courage
God help me to
speak my mind
All will be
forgiven
When he testifies
his love
What Little Girls
Are For
Five years old,
Dirty room
Here he comes, nowhere
to hide
But inside closed
eyes, shrinking away
Maybe he won't see
me,
Legs squeezed tight,
but not tight enough
It's never enough
to keep him out
There in the dirty
room
He shows me just
what little girls are for
Caught in a slide,
Caught in a prison
Nowhere to hide,
legs squeezed tight
He shows me just
what little girls are for
And I'm not here
anymore
Fourteen years old,
Alone with him
Guilt and promises in
another dirty room
“If you
really love me ....I promise we'll take it slow”
I guess he might
have meant it - until I said no
Legs squeezed
tight, but not tight enough
It’s never
enough to keep him out
Lying there with
eyes closed tight
It'll be over soon
if I don't put up a fight
Where
the pain ends
Is where I begin
Scars are hidden
deep within
Where only memories
remain
I can tell you my
secrets
But the pain is my
own
It’s always a
reminder
Of what little
girls are for
So I learned I was
never worth as much
As when I was down
on my knees
Or giving away
these pieces of me
Silent screams in
my head
Until I don't know
who I am
I fear that I may
have nothing left to give
As I'm taking them
in
I'm losing myself
to the wind
And my cries to god
fall on silent ears
Now I know for sure
just what little girls are for
And I'm not here,
And I'm not here,
And I'm not here
anymore
Twenty-three years
old, Alone in the car
Except for him as
he shuts the door
I'm suddenly
reminded what I am for
With eyes closed
tight as I'm spinning
Legs squeezed tight
But not tight
enough, it’s never enough to keep him out
Oh Please God...Not
again,
Another piece of me
that’s empty and dead
Where the pain
ends
Caught in the slide
Is where I
begin
Caught in a prison
Scars are hidden
deep within Nowhere to
hide
Where only memories
remain Legs squeezed
tight
I can tell you my
secrets And he
shows me
But the pain is my
own What
little girls are for
Always a
reminder
And I'm not here
Of what little
girls are for
Not here anymore
Thirty years old
and you're in my life
And you’re so
different from all the rest
The words from your
lips tell me I'm worth so much more than I know
And maybe someday
soon I'll believe
Your words can save
me, erase these old stains
And help me to pick
up the pieces of me
And maybe I'll find
some redemption
And maybe someday
soon I will find forgiveness for all my sins
And give me some
room to come undone and find myself again
I am here ... I am
here somewhere
Running Away
There is only so
much pain
That the drugs can
take away
Only so much cold
to feel
Before our fragile
minds decay
There is nothing
left that’s real
When you're constantly
afraid
There is nothing left
to feel
When they are all
running away
Running blindly
through a sea of sin
Fleeing the past of
who you've been
Every time you
thought you found your way
Another scar in
your mind
The past can't be
changed
You're running away
Every time I scrub
The stains won't go
away
What was I
dreaming?
What the hell was I
thinking?
Hope can bring you
promise
It can just as
easily tear you down
I'm inside the
outside
I don't know my
place
If forgiveness is
not an option
Then theirs a harsh
truth to face
The past can't be
changed
You're running away
Every time I scrub
The stains won't go
away
Dirty Room (Part
II)
So it ends in this
room
Where my life will
drain away
The death of a
tortured soul
Never had a shot at
life anyways
Caught in a slide,
Caught in a prison
Nowhere to hide,
Legs squeezed tight
And anyone could
plainly see
The lives I touched
are better without me
I've given all I
had to give
Now I'm taking
something for myself
Caught in a slide,
Caught in a prison
Nowhere to hide,
Legs squeezed tight
Ask
The Angels
As life
bleeds from my skin
I'm
back there taking them in
Too
late to save that little girl
I
couldn't live there anymore
I had
to break free of myself
Of all
that I am, and was forced to
This path that I have taken has led me to a light
My story flashes right before my eyes
I just can't make the distance and go on with this life
But then again the choice was never mine to make
I'm
just a child, lying here
Praying
to the Heavens
To send
their angels for me
I'm
just a child, lying here
Praying
for an angel
To come
and take me away
If you
could just ask the angels
To take
me to you
"It's
not your time" they say
Choices
Awakened from the
light
In more ways than
one
Wheels in wheels in
motion
Directing the
course of my life
The haze of
disillusion
The misery of fear
The sense it's all
so senseless
The sum of my whole
life
Am I the product of
another's wickedness?
Am I the sum of all
my crimes?
Am I a statistic in
god's plan?
Am I the child with
a secret?
Here in that white
room
Strapped to the bed
My efforts to end
this life
Was all for nothing
in the end
In a remorseful
state of guilt
My love came back to
me
Only to find his
words
Were sharp enough
to kill
There I was naked
and standing revealed
As I’m
looking for my father’s outreaching hand
I felt all the love
and I saw all the light
But it wasn't my
time and he cast me from sight
Why was I made to
suffer?
What point could
any of that serve?
Where was the love
and kindness
When I needed it
the most?
They say
you’ve got to have some blind faith
It's all a part of
the master plan
But take that
fucked up idealism
And shove it up
your ass
Am I the product of
another's wickedness?
Am I the sum of all
my crimes?
Am I a statistic of
god's plan?
Am I the child with
a secret?
It all leads here
To this point in my
life
I'm under observation
By the doctor's eye
A path is still
before me
A fork before my
eyes
But which one
should I choose
Between the
darkness and the light
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